Co-Parenting With Your Abuser

“Jessica, I’m up here.” She yelled out my name from the top of her three-floor walk-up. The top floor was not where I thought I’d find the mother of two young children. The door opened, the sound of bubbles exploding into the air as they reached the top of a fish tank welcomed me inside. These fishes were in good company throughout the day; images of familiar faces decorated the walls. Just as I began to wipe the sweat from my forehead a warm breeze cut through the humid air. A floor fan was working overtime to cool the place down.  Her 8-hour shift, as a waitress, leaves no room for luxuries like an air-conditioned apartment with no occupancies. Footsteps raced energetically up the stairs, through the door come April’s son and daughter. I have known the both of them since they were babies, but my face had obviously faded from their memories since both of them greeted me with a blank steer. When April began to bring her daughter to my mother’s daycare center, we could not have begun to imagine the abuse she was experiencing at home at the hands of her children’s father.  An estimated 22.3% of women and 14.0% of men during their lifetime experiences severe physical violence by an intimate partner reports the Center for Disease Control.  April’s story stands as only 1 out of the 10 million domestic violence cases reported annually in the United States. And while many of these relationships end, those who have children with their abusive partners are never really able to sever ties. So, how do you co-parent with a partner who was once your abuser? Me: How did you meet your children’s father?

April: I met their father in 2000 through a mutual friend. She thought we would be interested in each other, so she hooked us up at a party.  We exchanged numbers, became friends and from that point on we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

Me: Were things good in the beginning?

April: Things were very good when we first started dating. I had two children before I met him, and he adapted to them well. He provided for them and did everything they needed. We eventually got engaged, but just before we had our first child in 2004, things started falling apart. We started disagreeing more and more, and things just weren’t as good as they were in the beginning. 

Me: When did the physical abuse begin?

April:  After he got into a car accident. He broke both of his legs and had to learn how to walk again, but while he was recovering, he started to get depressed and drink real heavy. One day, he called me and said he was around his mother’s way, at a block party, and wanted me to stop through, so I did. While we were there, he was drinking a lot, but I didn’t think much of it. I told him I was going to leave because it was getting late, and when I stood up to walk away, he grabbed my arm. I looked at him like, what are you doing, and kind of snatched my arm back; that’s when he punched me in the face. I slide and hit the ground. I was in shock and crying. He never hit me before. When I was on the ground, he kept saying, “ I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it." That night stayed at my girlfriend’s house. He kept calling me the whole time I was there, saying sorry and that he wouldn’t do it again. I figured he was drinking a lot, so that may have affected his judgment and went back to him a week later.

Me: Did he continue to get more abusive?

April:  No, not right away.  A year went by without him hitting me, but then he started drinking real bad again. I started noticing how he would get angry and very confrontational when he was drunk. I mean we would get into fights, like fight-fights!  One day, we got into it real bad.  I was seven months pregnant with my daughter, and we got into an argument about something and he kicked me down a flight of steps. My neighbors called the police, and when the police got there they saw him outside bleeding, so they came in to arrest me. Then they found out by witnesses that he was outside hitting himself in the head with a rock, so it would look like I attacked him. I was crying and upset cause I was big and pregnant, and this was happening. While the police were there I never even told them he hit me because I was scared. My neighbor talked to the police and told them what was going on and that he hit me, and I was just to scared to tell them, so they arrested him. But at the time I was pregnant and in love, so of course I went and got him out of jail.

Me: At what point did you decide to leave?

April:  When I realized that things weren’t going to get any better. He started becoming controlling, and he was getting more and more depressed and angry, which made him bitter. That’s when things started to fall apart between us. We got to the point in our relationship where I knew that either he as going to kill me, or I was going to kill him. I had my children to think about, so I decided to go my separate way.

Me: Your children are a few years apart in age, what made you decide to have another child with your daughters father after you had already left him because of his temper and abuse?

April: I thought we could work things out. He didn’t seem to be as angry anymore, but then the angry and controlling man I left the first time started to resurface. So, after I had my son I left him again. I knew that was going to be the last time I ever went back to him.”

Me: Has he ever hit your children?

April: Yes, my son, but never our daughter. When my son was very little, he would hit him for no reason. I didn’t find out what was happening until my son could talk and verbalize to me what was going on. There weren’t any marks on his body that I could pick up on, but my son started to become very aggressive. I took him to speak with a counselor. There they determined he was exhibiting aggressive behavior because he didn’t know how to process what his father was doing and that he was traumatized. They stop seeing their father after I confronted him about what he had done to my son.

Me: Are you ever concerned about having your children around him now?

April: “Absolutely, of course! We recently went to see a mediator so that we could discuss visitation. While I was there, he thanked me for taking care of his kids all these years, because he hasn’t been there for them as a father. That was the first time in 10 years he had ever said anything like that to me. He also said that he was sorry for what he did to me and that he is not that man anymore. I knew when you said that he had changed because I know him. And it takes a lot for him to I admit that his was wrong. Even if he doesn't mean what he said, and he was just lying about being a changed man because we were in court, I have taught my kids to pray. All we can do is pray that he is a better man than he has been in the past.

Me: How difficult is it to co-parent with your children father given the violent past the both of you share?

April: It’s hard. I can’t forget about all the time he hurt my kids while trying to hurt me. At the end of the day, his actions only resulted in them losing out on having a father and him losing out on having a relationship with his kids. Now he wants to make things right, but we can barely talk on the phone for five minutes about issues concerning the kids without getting into a disagreement.

Me: Did you ever imagine things would be the way they are today between you and your children’s father?

April: No! Definitely not! I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant with my second child if I knew he was going to turn out to be such a bad father. In the beginning when we broke up, even the second time, I could say that he was the father of my children, and I will always love him; he will always have a place in my heart. But now, I can’t say those things, I have no type of love for him.